Our generation has been gifted with glorious motion pictures that allow us to transcend reality and belief to enter a fictitious world of imagination and story telling, or something like that…I don’t know. MOVIES! That’s what I’m talking about. Here at Fan Fest, we appreciate and spotlight all kinds of movies. Personally, some of my favorite movies are sequels. This is Unequal Sequels, a series where we break down horrible sequels piece by piece until my very sanity breaks down as well; The Straight-To-DVD movies that even Netflix wouldn’t dare to touch. The movies that are so bad, they’re NOT fun to watch… just extremely painful.
In what’s beginning to feel like torture, I recently jumped headfirst into Tooth Fairy 2; a straight-to-DVD indirect sequel to 2010’s Tooth Fairy starring Dwayne Johnson.
PLOT: When mechanic and bowling champion Larry Guthrie loses his first love to the town hot shot, he decides to win her back by volunteering to help the local children at her after school program. However, he accidentally tells one of the kids at the school that the tooth fairy doesn’t exist. That night, Larry is summoned by the tooth fairies and ordered to collect ten teeth. Spoiler: He collects all TEN teeth and his first love comes back to him for no reason.
Let’s point out everything Unequal from this blue-collar Sequel:
- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the franchise fixer. The man you send in when a franchise needs that extra boost: Fast and Furious, G.I. Joe, Jem and The Holograms. But who do you send in when The Rock can’t be there?
- This movie clearly has no relation to the original film, nor does it have any respect for it. It’s exactly like every Larry The Cable Guy film, even with banjo music playing during scene transitions, except this time Larry’s a Tooth Fairy.
- There’s nothing funny about Larry The Cable Guy sneaking into kids rooms at night dressed in pink overalls…NOTHING. THAT’S MESSED UP.
- The quality of the wings in this movie, as compared to The Rock’s wings in the first movie completely dropped. Kind of like my Ex’s taste in men.
- Larry fails his first tooth mission, so his tooth fairy overseer turns all of his possessions pink which would only be considered punishment for a homophobic character such as Larry The Cable Guy.
- Instead of just poofing into a Tooth Fairy like The Rock does, Larry does this weird Sailor-Moon transformation as he slowly turns pink.
- While at his Ex’s wedding shower, Larry accidentally becomes a tooth fairy and is mistaken for the bachelorette dancer. He then begins doing this majestic dance as he rubs his tummy and shocks the crowd.
- While checking out a house he needs to sneak into, Larry notices he needs to get to the balcony to get in. Knowing he can’t, Larry says “What am I, The Rock?” ALTERNATE UNIVERSE CONFIRMED.
- I waited the entire movie for Larry to say his catchline “Get Er Done”. I waited long and hard, until finally…he Got er Done. I immediately felt dirty afterwards.
- Maybe I’d find Larry The Cable Guy funny if I was still in 6th grade. Anyone who still enjoys his comedy is an inbred hillbilly who laughs at a millionaire who gets rich by satirizing them in front of their faces.
The movie has nothing to do with Larry being a tooth fairy. I was actually much more interested in if he’d get back with his ex. Honestly, you forget he actually is a tooth fairy until he starts Sailor Mooning into one, then the plot stops and we need to watch Larry do more dumb stuff.
- Larry gets a flying tooth fairy pig as his sidekick and they fly off into the night sky together. The End.
CONCLUSION: I feel like I lose brain cells whenever I’m watching anything Larry The Cable Guy related. His jokes consist of farts and slapstick, the only things someone exactly like Larry would find funny. Larry The Cable Guy is the same character we’ve seen for years because of the same dumb audience that fund him and grandfathered him into blue-collar comedy. This movie is no exception. It’s obvious that Larry was casted BEFORE they wrote the script, the character’s name is even “Larry” just like in EVERY Larry The Cable Guy movie…The original movie was magical and smart, it warmed our hearts by sprinkling magic into a protagonist with a tough-exterior and taught him (and us) how to spread belief into others and ourselves. Just kidding, that movie sucked too. But Tooth Fairy 2 makes it look like The Dark Knight Rises.
On the cringe meter, I give Tooth Fairy 2 a SOLID 3 clip art stars out of 5. The movie just made no sense. Nothing with the actual story had anything to do with being a tooth fairy. Larry still would have gotten his girl back even if he wasn’t a tooth fairy. The plot didn’t connect and the climax was rushed and a let down. The cringing is simply from those banjo scene transitions.
Now here’s MY version of a Tooth Fairy sequel:
Derek (The Rock’s character from the first movie) is now a major league hockey player and loving father. As the captain of his team, Derek struggles to bring the team closer and together. What he sees is a team of brutes who are in it just for the limelight and fame, they’re entertainers instead of athletes, just like Derek used to be. In order to force his team to make the same changes he did, Derek enlists the entire hockey team to now become real life tooth fairies for a week, learning how to warm the hearts of others in this ice rink of a world. Coming soon, Tooth Fairies.
Let me know which Unequal Sequel I should dig up next! Only on Fanfest.com!
Thank God…It’s finally over…No more stupid Lar- OH GOD NO!